Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
