the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
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