I am spending my child support on dildos
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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