Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
me + whiskey = a bad person
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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