Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
