Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Randomize