My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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