take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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