she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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