Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
