I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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