you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
