Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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