I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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