Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
