You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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