Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
