There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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