I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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