Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
