I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
