Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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