How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
