I just cut my nipple shaving
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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