You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
