I can text with my tongue
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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