Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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