Where did you get a picture of my penis
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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