Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
