Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
