I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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