I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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