mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
