do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
