If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
