i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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