we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
