if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Randomize
