Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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