the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
there is puke in my bra ... again
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