i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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