you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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