Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
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