Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
