Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
