see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
