So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
