Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
