smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
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