I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
