He is an equal opportunity slut.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
