So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
