If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Randomize
