Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
