my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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