I just made out with a guy for $7.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
