Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
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