I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
