don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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