I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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