Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Randomize
